Trump to Take Over Alberta

Claims it’s Necessary for National Energy Security

The Globe and Fail

Nathan Goldblob, staff writer

Today, Donald Trump announced plans to annex the Canadian province of Alberta. The surprising statement, published on Truth Social, has further shaken the already precarious relationship between the two nations.

In the post, the President asserted that access to Canadian oil and natural gas would guarantee American energy supply and reduce costs for Americans, a key plank in his election campaign, and that Albertans would be better off.

At a press conference after the announcement, Trump said: “They are going to see investment like they’ve never seen before. We will remove their regulatory burden, cut them loose, pipelines, lots of pipelines, you know, they’ve been going east west when they should be going north south, refineries, good paying jobs, lower taxes, better currency. We are going to rename it North Montana. They are going to be very happy.”

“You know, they have this thing called transfer payments, where one state, sorry... province, gives it’s money to the have nots, it’s communism. Look, they’re living in a socialist country. They don’t want to live in a socialist country.

When asked about the displacement of four million Albertans: “Most will stay, I have no doubt about that. But those that want to leave, that’s fine. We can setup resettlement camps in, there’s this province just east of them, I think it’s called Saskatcheewan, we’ll help them, pay their moving costs. We’re here to help. Or they could go west, I don’t think a lot of them will, as you get closer to the pacific, it seems that people lose their common sense.”

“I don’t want the whole country, they can keep Quebec for sure, but we need to secure our energy supply and reduce costs for Americans. We are going to take over Greenland for our National Security, we are going to take over Gaza to provide the Middle East stability and security, we are going to take over Alberta to ensure energy security. I don’t think we are going to need to involve American troops, everything is on the table, but I really don’t think it will be necessary. It’s going to be great.”

“Besides, what are they going to do about it.”

In response, Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, seemed conciliatory, even resigned: “Naturally, we expect fair and just compensation. They bought Louisiana for fifteen million, that would be 373 million in today’s dollars, we expect nothing less. Our hope is they will handle this in an environmentally friendly manner, respect our proposals to reduce emissions and treat Albertans with respect, especially woman, our First Nations and our transvestites, but we have to face reality, Alberta has never aligned with our country’s policies or priorities.

They’re not a team player.”

An analyst from RBC Securities sees potential: “There are a lot of synergies here. Increased capital investment, opening new markets, expanding existing ones, creating good high paying jobs.”

“I think this would be good for Alberta.”

Not all agree. Danielle Smith, Alberta’s Premiere has pushed back. “It’s preposterous. The man is not stable, he’s unhinged. We will not be joining the US. It’s not going to happen. What’s next, Africa?”

“He’s not a bull in a china shop. He’s a bully on the playground.”

Will America seize Alberta? What geo-political impacts will it have? Will the world community support or oppose it? Will Canadians rise up? Will we see another 1812?

Trump’s latest proclamation raises more questions than answers. Only time will tell how Canada, and the world, reacts.